It’s raining and you want to go to the supermarket for buttermilk and chicken thighs. It’s important. Critical even. But it’s raining and you can’t be asked to get on the bus. Your car’s in the garage because you’re sure you can hear a knocking noise that wasn’t there before and you can’t drive your boyfriend’s because he was selfish enough to buy a car with a manual gearbox even though you explained to him time and time again that you can only drive only like driving automatics.
What do you do?
a) Fish out your oyster card and jump on the bus
b) Forget about the buttermilk and chicken thighs, were they really that important anyway?
c) Explain to your boyfriend why he has to drive you to the massive Tesco on the retail park right now, otherwise you may end up marrying someone else.
If you answered c, you are officially in my brain and most likely have a long suffering boyfriend too! Well done and a fist bump for you! For those of you who answered a or b, let me explain how my brain works, or as The King calls it, “how things work in Tinuke world”.
Me. “Babes, I know you’re really enjoying shooting people in the head right now but I need you”
Him. Eyebrow raising in anticipation, eyes still focussed on the widescreen.
Me. “Oh noo, I don’t need that, I need you to drive me somewhere, but now, right now”
Him. Eyebrow back down. C.O.D now having his undivided attention again.
Me. Inching closer to the front of the screen. “Baybeeeee. Hunnnnnn. I need to go to Tesco!”
Him. “For what?”
Me. “Stuff.”
Him. Mumbles under his breath. Something about silly, bumper car license, ammo..
Me. “If I don’t get a lift, I’ll be forced to get a bus and it’s cold and I don’t have a proper, thick winter coat because I normally drive everywhere, so I’ll catch a chill… and the chill will turn into pneumonia because well, you know my immune system is shitty, then they’ll put me on a mixed ward next to a really handsome guy who reminds me of Denzel Washington who lost his left hand to a rabid cat whe-
Him. “Do cat’s get rabies?”
Me. “Well yes, obviously, otherwise why else would I have said a rabid cat? So where was I?
Yup, my Denzel look alike and I end up spending a lot of time bonding, because, well, you only come and visit a couple of hours a day because the hospital car parking is extortionate, so my bed mate and I have a lot of time to get to know each other, realise we were really meant to be and decide to elope once they’ve discharged us both.
So we get married and all you had to do to prevent me running off with Denzel Washington was give 30 minutes of your time to take me to Tesco.”
And breathe.
Him.”Seriously babes, I’ll take you later”
Me.”You know how I feel about Denzel. He may be totally old. But I so would. . . ”
Him. “Friggin hell, Tinuke, what colour is it in Tinuke world?”
Me. “Tesco coloured mostly”
Him. Presses his headset “Lads, I’ll be back online in 60, got to take my missus out”
Them. “Good luck with that mate. It must be the sex”
Him. “mmmm hmmm”
