dead leaf new start

dead leaf new start

Everyone is busy making New Year’s resolutions, promising to do more good, be more assertive, enjoy life more, lose weight, find joy. It’s a time of reflecting on the best times, best blog posts, best bits of last year. For me, it’s a new start of a different kind. January marks the start of a new decade of my life. The fourth one, the one that when I was half way through my second, I thought would be the start of a settled existence. Home, large family, husband, high flying 6-7 figure career. I planned to have it all by my 30s. Maybe I still will. Like really, I’ll have a whole 10 years to shape my fate before I have to admit defeat on my goals for this decade. But as I enter 30, not only is it not what I expected, but what I actually want from it has changed too. The goal posts have been moved, some of them intentionally and some just due to the natural passage of time. I’m sad in some respects and hopeful in others.

I’m moving out of London. Something that I never foresaw. Well, unless it was to move to a similarly large and exciting city, such as New York, Tokyo or Hong Kong. But moving out of London to move to a teeny weeny village surrounded by country lanes, farm land and ridiculously irregular public transport? Not high on my wish list 10 or 15 years ago. Strangely enough, it’s something I’m looking forward to. I’m not just saying that either. Nobody held a gun to my head and told me to move. I saw the house and fell in love with the quaintness, the small size, duck egg blue paint and the way the house seemed to hug its occupants. It’s the polar opposite to what I’m used to and I think that’s what makes it so appealing. It’s time to get out my comfort zone. After all, you can’t expect to change if you carry out the same actions. Right now I need change. My family needs change and this move will hopefully provide enough of it.

My family has changed. I’m no longer with The King. This makes me immensely sad and in some respects I feel as if I’m grieving, but I think this will be for the best for both of us in the long term. Things weren’t sustainable as they stood. I love him very much and hope that this year brings a new lease of life for the both of us. I saw a quote on someone’s Facebook wall saying “It took me a long time to realise people love differently”. This is what I realised. It’s not that we fell out of love, but how we loved and how we expected to be loved, what we expected from each other didn’t marry up. Which is sad. Princess is understandably sad too, I’m hoping she and her dad will spend loads of time together as he is her universe, whereas I’m more of the moon who circles her planet and hovers nearby. There is something special between them that I cannot replicate nor would I want to try and replace. It’s the reason why our move is within driving distance of London, not Indonesia or Alaska like my wander lusting, thrill seeking personality instinctively considered. I hope they continue to make loads of face to face memories together.

I’m fed up of feeling like the fat friend. Yes I’ve said this before. I’ll probably say it again but I really am! I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve shirked off social invitations because I couldn’t find anything to wear that wouldn’t make me look like a frumpy black version of Mrs Bucket (Keeping up Appearances). I see these gorgeous looking plus sized bloggers who make it all look easy. Their outfits don’t make them look pregnant and their clothes seem to fit as if they were tailored rather than off the rack. I just don’t pull it off. More importantly my health is suffering. I can’t keep up with my daughter. I run out of puff within minutes of playing Just Dance on the Wii or within a couple of laps of the ice rink. That’s not a good look. I’m turning 30 and I know people double my age with more active lifestyles!

So now I’m walking more and will walk even more once we’re in our new rural location. You need to order your cab in advance. Buses are once every hour. Oh I said buses? No, there is ONE bus frequenting the village. So walking and cycling is going to become my new favourite past time. I’ve been using Spark People to track my food and fitness. It’s great and I have already lost a few pounds since I started so I think that I may be the slimmer fat friend soon.

This month marks the beginning of a new start. Well many new starts. I hope they go well or at least that the unexpected twists aren’t too extreme. I hope your resolutions go well and that you stick to them or recognise that some of them aren’t as important as you first thought and instead tackle the things you really wish you could change. Because you can. It doesn’t have to be on the first day of a new year. See the change, visualise it, verbalise it then do it! I’m lifting my virtual glass of wine (no not really, I AM actually drinking wine as I write this) and propose a toast: To new starts.

January 8, 2015
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