Growing children, holding them close and giving them space

This year has been one of the steepest learning curves of my life. I’ve been a mother for nine glorious years but this year I went from having a child to having children. Two beautiful, brave, growing children. Pushing boundaries, finding their own feet but still needing me.  Honestly, I hadn’t thought it would change me in the ways it has.

Being there for each child as they transition to different developmental and emotional milestones hasn’t been easy. There are days when I feel like I’m totally failing my eldest and all I can do at night is promise to try and do better the next day.

Princess is 9 years old going on 16. Her emotions are everywhere and I try to make space for that. Not to bite when she bites at me (figuratively speaking). She’s sassy. Knows more about most things than I do, then at the next moment she wants me to tell her the answer to most of life’s mysteries. Yo yo pre-teen. I think she’s grown up so much since her little sister graced the earth. She’s more patient, more caring and tries harder.

But sometimes I worry she’s not actually more patient. It’s that she’s given up. Given up reminding me that I promised to shoot a video with her. To watch a movie with her, check out her MineCraft house or see what she bought with her pocket money. I take her quietness as a sign of how grown up and understanding she is and then worry that it isn’t the case. That really I’m just being a rubbish mum and failing her.

Bob is nearly 7 months old. She’s learnt to ‘talk’ and can crawl. Backwards. Backwards and in circles. But boy does that mean she’s learnt to be independent. She’ll get what she wants and where she wants to be albeit in a roundabout fashion. She wants to taste everything I’m eating one day and refuse to do anything but nurse from me the next.

I still love to carry Bob up close to me. She’s  growing so fast and recently graduated from the stretchy full wrap slings to the baby carrier. My big girl likes to see the world when we’re out and about and thanks to our Baby Bjorn she’s able to do that whilst still feeling safe and secure next to me. Forward facing in the pram still seems to keep her a bit on edge, but in the carrier she’s full of giggles for everything she sees, regardless if it’s the trees lining the pathway to the bakery or a row of canned vegetables in the shopping centre.

I’m learning to give them their independence when they need it and be there for cuddles and coddling when they need that more. There’s no hard or fast rule as when and where they’ll need what. Chances are they both want 1:1 time at the same time. It’s on days like that where I feel like I’m simply not doing enough. That I’m not enough. But I think that’s part of being a parent right? Wanting to be everything for everyone all the time. I don’t know whether I’m going or coming and I think this energy feeds through to the kids which makes for their need to be independent then cling even tighter to me ebb and flow even more. But I’m learning. Learning to give them space and hold them close.